you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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