I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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