A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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