I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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