I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
