I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
