What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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