Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
