Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
