I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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