She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
