Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I am available for nakedness
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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