I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
