i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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