the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
