You can't motorboat a personality
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
