his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
we should paint friendship bongs
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