Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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