He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
