I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
