you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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