Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
