I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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