life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
