Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
