She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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