I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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