Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
