He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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