There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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