the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
