I think I won the penis lottery.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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