I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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