I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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