I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Hippo gnu deer
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
