I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
