Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
