Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
