she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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