I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
