The best revenge is premature balding
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
