Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
