forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
