I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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