This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
