I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
