i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
