I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I don't want my vagina anymore.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
