just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
