she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
