If that was your dad, he is hot
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
